Marriage : Why I am okay to wait...
Hey Lovelies! Today I am going to talk about marriage. It's a topic that at 24 (almost 25) has increasingly been on my mind the past couple years. But not anymore. At least for awhile....
Shirt - Target // Jeans - Loft // Shoes - Target
When I was a little girl I had this dream of how my life would play out. Like I'm sure most of you had. After high school, I was going to go to college and fall in love. We would date all during college and then graduate together. And of course get married that summer at age 22. We would travel and enjoy married life, just us, for 2 years and then start to have kids at 24.
Well, I'm 24 now and the only part of that that is true is that I'm in love. But we aren't getting married... just yet.
I have 2.5 years of college under my belt with a little over a year more to go. But I've been with my boyfriend for well over a year and to everyone (besides my parents) we must be getting married soon. We get asked all the time when we plan to tie the knot. And you know what? I let that pressure get to me.
I mean it was apart of my plan to be married before I was 24. I focused so much on that part of the plan. I thought about it all the time... Daily! Let's be real, it consumed most of my thoughts. I expected myself to be married and so did everyone else. So I felt it was my job to fulfill their expectations!
I didn't owe anyone, but me, anything. And I was forgetting a part of my plan. The part where I wanted to be DONE with college. And that journey is only half way over.
So, why did I decide it was okay to wait?
Because ultimately I have to do what’s right for me and MY relationship, not everyone else.
I want to bring my best self to the alter on my wedding day.
And I'm not my best self yet...
Now you guys know why I decided to wait.. But here's something that most of you don't know that was a BIG part of why I made this decision.
I struggle with depression and have some emotional trauma that I am still working through. And because of this I haven't been my best self in a long time.
For those who read a previous post Relationships: The Good, Bad and the Ugly then you know that I had a relationship that was all consuming and took away my joy and my desire to live. If you haven't read it, you can read it here. During that relationship I became so emotionally unstable and dependent on him that I lost myself, my friends, and my will. After 3 years I finally got out, but not without bruises and scars and completely unsure of who I was.
The bruises healed pretty quickly, but my scars are still something that effect me every day. These emotional scars have me in fear that my current bf, and even friends, might cheat on me or may decide I'm not enough. This fear has taken control of parts of my life and has led me to lose friendships and to be afraid to even make new ones.
Besides these obvious trust and relationship issues... I also had no idea who I was and the journey to find myself again has been a long one.
Five years to be exact. That relationship was 5 years ago and I'm still effected!
It's taken me a long time to come to terms with this and to come to this conclusion, but I can't start a marriage with the love of my life if I have all this baggage keeping me in the past. To start a new chapter, I have to be done living/dwelling in a previous chapter. As hard as that decision has been to make, I know it's the right one for me.
This post wasn't the easiest for me to write. 1. A lot of these thoughts and decisions are still very new and raw to me. 2. Sharing all these thoughts has put me in a vulnerable position. And that vulnerability is uncomfortable. But I felt like I needed to share it because at 24 (almost 25) it's okay to not be married. It's okay to not even be engaged. For those of you who are married, it's okay to not have kids. It's okay to not have your life figured out.
Society and, in turn, ourselves have put so much pressure on us to be married... to have our stuff together... to have our life completely figured out... AND to be living according to that plan. But that's just not realistic. Life doesn't work out like a Disney movie and it's crazy to expect it to.
It's okay to wait. It's okay to not be ready. But it has to be YOUR decision. Not your friends, or family, or your parents, or society. It has to be yours. Because YOU are the one living with it. I was letting society, my parents, and the people around me make that decision for me. I was trusting people that I don't even know to make decisions about my life and when I would get married.
But not anymore.
I, on my own, decided it was okay to not be married right now. Yes, their are a lot of people younger than me getting married and having families, but that doesn’t mean I have to as well. This decision can't be made because I'm embarrassed not to be married yet or because it would just be easier.
I made the decision based off what I think is best for me.
So here I am challenging you to do what's best for you. Listen to yourself and don't give into the pressures of society and those around you. As my boyfriend would say, "DO YOU."
That's the only way to to find happiness. Just stay true to who you are and listen to the voice inside you.