Today’s post isn’t like most of my posts lately. It not about fashion or coffee and it’s honestly taken me all month to write it. Today’s post is personal and all about how much I’ve been struggling.

It all started about 10 years ago.

When most 16-year-olds were trying to figure themselves out or really just trying to figure out life, I was living in shame and embarrassment. The WHY isn’t important. It’s all about the journey.

I did everything in my power to hide myself and who I was because that shame had made me hate myself. I didn’t want anybody to see the real me and I thought I wasn’t good enough. The longer I lived in shame the farther and farther from myself I became.

I put on a good face and acted like everything was okay. I spent most of the time trying to be like the people around me just hoping that no one could tell. And if I thought they could, I distanced myself from them. I ended up losing a lot of good relationships. All because of my shame.

As I went into my Junior & Senior year, I heavily compensated for what I was lacking. I was goofy (probably more obnoxious), confident (or arrogant) and I surrounded myself with lots of people when in all reality it was so lonely.

I lived with the mantra “Fake it till you make it.” And I FAKED it ALL the time! I didn’t even know what was real anymore. I had completely lost myself in trying to please those around  while hoping no one saw me for what I was — BROKEN.

I couldn’t be broken; I couldn’t let anyone see my faults. I had to be perfect. I know perfection isn’t actually possible, but I could at least look like I was, like I had my life put together. Right?

Pretty soon it was time for college and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I’d never made a decision based of what I really wanted. Everything that I had been doing up to that point was because I was living up to the expectations of my parents, my church, my friends and to the lies I had been telling myself for years. How could I possibly know what I wanted?

So I picked something. Cosmetology. I like doing my make-up. I like doing hair. So, why not? Despite the fact that I was scared out of my mind. Despite the fact I couldn’t eat because I was so nervous. Despite the fact that I would physically shake when I was there. 500 of 1500 hours later, and I still hated it. I had made some friends, but that didn’t change the fact that it just wasn’t me. I had to finish what I started because to be perfect I couldn’t quit. I also just couldn’t quit because my family would never be okay with me to do that.

So I stuck with it and before I knew it, I hit 1500 hours. I was done. Now what? Despite my parents wanting me to get a job in a salon, I applied for Wendy’s because hello! I JUST NEEDED A JOB. I had never worked an actually job at a day in my life and that terrified me. I needed to start small. So, that’s exactly what I did. I worked there for 3 months until I got my “dream job” at Macy’s.

This was the first time I finally LOVED what I was doing. I was surround by fashion which I truly believe was my first love.

But that love became an obsession and I found myself shopping everyday.  And I truly mean everyday.  It became an unhealthy addiction. I found my happiness in each piece of clothing and with each swipe of my card.  For 2 years I worked at Macy’s until I decided I wanted more. More with my life. More for myself. More than working retail and doing hair on the side.

So, I quit my job and started my journey to find who I am.  


To be cont…

My story might not be amazing, but I think everyone’s story is worth telling. And here’s a little part of mine.

xo, Alyssa

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