MY BEYOUTIFUL STORY
He Y'all! Today's post is different... It has been published elsewhere before but NOT HERE & it's a little outdated... Until now! I am so excited to share this journey that I've been one since day 1. I mean literally since the day I was born.
April 2015 __________________________
July 24 2014 wasn't just a normal day for me. It was the day I'd been waiting for since I was a little girl. It was the day that I thought I would finally feel normal.
I was born July 29, 1993 with a defect called partial pollards. Partial Pollards is a form of Pollards Syndrome, which is the lack of your pectoral muscle (s) forming while you are in the womb. I was very blessed with just missing my left pectoral muscle. Most of the time it's more severe with both missing and other extremedies (fingers, hands, arms) as well. I never let this keep me from doing what I wanted to do when I was younger though. I never really thought of it as a bad thing, it was just who I was and God had a reason for allowing me to be born this way.
As I got into junior high that mindset quickly left me. I started getting made fun and so I would just join in on the jokes trying to just laugh it off. But I couldn't just laugh it off. I let it define who I was and how I saw myself. As some one who wasn't perfect, who wasn't like everybody else. I was flawed. And I hated myself and who God made me.
Starting high school my self esteem was so low and I started looking to guys to make me feel beautiful and special. This desire stayed with me in highschool and shortly after graduation through several relationships. Leaving me broken and still feeling imperfect. I was unhappy and depressed but I had always put on my happy face so I wasn't going to stop now.
Ever since I was little my parents told me that when I was older and fully developed they would start talking and planning surgery possibilities to make me even and normal just like everyone else. The fall of 2013 was finally that time. We started meeting with the doctors to discuss procedures and payment options. I was beyond exciting!
After a couple appointments the date was set, July 24th. The countdown was on!
My surgery wasn't exactly what we thought it was gonna be. It took alittle bit longer than planned (3.75 hours total) and was more extensive which left me in more pain.
But it was what I wanted so it didn't matter! I was happy for the first time in along time. I was finally "normal". The way I thought I should've been born in the first place.
About a month after surgery, all my meds were gone and all I had was sore muscles and pain. And I realized I wasn't really happy. People didn't see me as imperfect anymore and neither did I... They saw me as fake. The attention and affection I wanted from guys I was getting, but all for the wrong reasons. They still didn't want me for who I was but for what I looked like. I still wasn't "normal".
Unhappiness and depression consumed my thoughts and I tried to ignore it by working all the time. Every spare minute I tried to fill with something so I couldn't focus on my pain. But all I was doing was drowning myself. I was suffocating and I had no idea what to do.
Until I realized this, (it's things I've heard my whole life I just hadn't been listening)
God doesn't make mistakes. He made me perfect through Him. I was born this way for a reason. Maybe one day to help others who suffer from self esteem issues or maybe it was just to make me into the person He wants me to be. Whatever the reason, it's His plan and it's perfect!! And He is the only one whom I need to make me feel beautiful and loved! He will never fail me or let me down. His love never fails. Even through His death on the cross He didn't fail me but saved me from eternal suffocation in hell. Through Him I can breath again.
I still have my struggles. I have to constantly remind myself of my worth through Him.
All this is very personal for me. It's hard to share it but I think God wants me to share my story. I hope this shows junior high and high school girls, young woman, mothers and grandmothers that whatever you are going through you can get through it through God! He made us all perfect in our own way. Be who God wants you to be and be YOU! Embrace and love the way God made you. You are BEAUTIFUL!!
I don't want people reading this to focus on my failures or think I'm trying to draw attention to the wrong things. Plastic surgery is not the answer for your physical insecurities. I made the choices I made and I can't change them but I also don't regret them. Just know the only security you will ever have comes from Jesus! This is what it's all about.
JULY 2018 ___________________________
I can not believe this surgery / chapter of my life was 4 years ago! Reading through these words that I wrote what seems like so long ago, I can't help but remember the pain and the struggle that I went through. I'm so happy to say that so much has changed.
The emotional and physical insecurities I had and struggled with are completely gone! It didn't happen over night. It was something I struggled with daily, but finally little bit by little bit the insecurities slowly faded away. Until I got to the point I am today.
I don't see myself as "normal" or "fake". I see my self for the person that God made me.
I see Alyssa Nicole Cloud -- a 24-year-old woman who was born different than others. I wasn't born with an imperfection. I was born unique and just the way I was supposed to be.
Because of that I have a specific purpose and that purpose is to inspire others to see themselves NOT by their "imperfections" but as specially handcrafted women. Each one a little bit different than the next because diversity is beautiful.
I think if we as women saw the ways that we are different or the ways in which we stand out as good things, then we wouldn't be so caught up in trying to be like everyone else. Think about how much better life would be?!
So my challenge to everyone, man and woman, be YOU! (It's so much easier than being someone else.)