Relationships : The Good, Bad & the Ugly
Relationships are tough. Like really tough. And some are harder than others. But eventually you'll get one that's easy. Well easier. And that's when you'll realize that you've finally found what you're looking for. But before we get to the good, we often have to go through the bad... and unforunately even some ugly.
Not that I am any where near a pro on this topic, but I have had experience in ALL three of these relationships. I thought maybe I could give some tips or insight and help ya'll figure out how to navigate your own relationships in your life.
So, lets start with the Bad and Ugly. And we will finish with the Good stuff.
Bad relationships suck. Let's be real. There is no other way to put it. For me, the bad relationships were the ones that changed me. And the change obviously wasn't good. They were the relationships that pushed me out of my comfort zone and little by little, I started losing pieces of myself. Before I knew it, I wasn't sure who I was.
Have you guys ever had a relationship like this?
It's a toxic relationship. It doesn't seem bad at first, in fact, it probably starts out fun because your doing something new. The relationship is exciting and gets your adrenaline going. But eventually you realize that you're keeping secrets and hiding things, and when you look in the mirror you don't fully recognize the face that' looking back you. So, you convince yourself that this change is good for you and that you really do like the new you. But your old friends don't really agree and you get to the point where your only friends with people from this relationship.
The cycle of you chasing after the person you think he wants you to be keeps going - around and around and around. Until finally you wake up and don't even think about how your old life was. You are all consumed with this YOU.
That is bad relationship. Not because you changed. I don't want you to think that. But the kind of change is what makes it bad.
A relationship is a connection between two people. Emphasis on TWO. It's all about finding balance and being equal with one another. But this Bad relationships is 0 parts you 1 part all of him. The relationship is all about him and it has nothing to even do with you.
If this is you, YOU NEED TO GET OUT NOW. Before it's too late.
My secret to getting out.
Cut it off. IMMEDIATELY. Quit that bad habit cold turkey. You're probably thinking that's not for you. But trust me, it's easier than you think.
Block his number.
Delete his number.
Block on ALL social media.
Delete on ALL social media.
And lastly, find something to devout all your extra time to.
(Maybe reach out to that friend you dropped because of him. I promise she'll take you back.)
If you've got this gut feeling like "dang is my relationship bad?" Then it is!! YOU NEED TO GET OUT. Before it gets ugly...
You might be thinking how does it get worse than a bad relationship?! Well trust me it can. And if you stay in a bad relationship then it most likely will.
It's taken me well over a week to write this part. I've been struggling with knowing how much to share or if it's too much or if I should even share at all. But if sharing what happened in my own life can help some one else get through or out of an ugly relationship then I NEED to. But I'm going to be honest, this is gonna be hard.
An ugly relationship is a relationship that you aren't just losing who you are, but one that you are also losing your desire to live. The relationship is all consuming and is taking away your joy and life.
My ugly relationship was one that lasted 3 years. It didn't start out ugly. It actually started out good. But that only lasted about 10 months. It quickly escalated to bad when I found out he was cheating. I decided that I would stay with him. THAT is when I should have known it was bad. Despite his unfaithfulness I chose to stay with him. What I didn't know at the time was by making that decision, I was also choosing to not honor myself as a women and I undervalued who I am and what I was worth.
I looked at his unfaithfulness as something that was my fault. I told myself: "I obviously wasn't giving him something he wanted. So that's why he went outside of the relationship." I blamed myself for what he did. Those feelings and thoughts quickly painted over every aspect of my life. I started selling myself short and thought I deserved every bad thing that happened to me.
And here's where it got Ugly.
It got to the point where I wasn't happy at all and I had no idea how to change that feeling. I was lost and was losing more and more of myself to what I thought this guy wanted me to be. I did anything and everything he wanted me to do, but he also didn't really give me another option. I was being forced to do things that I never wanted to do or be apart of. He wasn't making me by holding a gun to my head, but I was so emotionally unstable and dependent on him that I truly thought I had no other option.
After a year of this life, I was at a low. I was drowning and it felt like there was no one to help me. I wanted my life to end. I didn't know how else to get out. But I knew I couldn't keep going on like this.
Despite the urges and desires to end my life, I heard a still small voice telling me, "Don't give up." But I wanted to so badly. It seemed like the easiest thing. But it kept saying, "Don't give up."
It was then I started praying.
I didn't quite know what to pray for, but I told God all my worries and fears. I told Him every little thing I was thinking. I cried myself to sleep almost every night while praying to God.
In August of 2013 my prayers were finally answered. God had given me an easy out of this relationship that left me broken and wanting to end my life. This guy had cheated on me again. Not just one time. But multiple times over the course of the summer.
I was in shock and I almost didn't believe it. But what I did know was that God had a plan. And this was my time to run for my life. Because if I didn't I would have probably lost it.
Being in this Ugly, life-threatening relationship was one of the hardest times in my life. I've mentally blocked out huge chunks of this time in my life and there is a lot that I can't vividly remember. But if this is where you are at, I want to help you. I want to give you the hope that there is a way out.
Don't give up.
Even when it seems like you can't keep going. Just take one more step. You can't give up. And if you feel like you have no one, I'm here.
Run for your life.
Drop him (or her) and run. Don't look back. Don't give them the benefit of the doubt. Your life is more precious than that.
Don't settle. EVER.
You deserve the world! No one deserves to be in the kind of relationship that threatens their own life. You deserve to be with some one who cherishes you and treats you with respect.
And this brings me to the good... I never knew a good relationship even existed. I never thought I deserved one, let alone would find one. That was until I met my best friend.
And FINALLY we are to the good relationships!! I must begin this by saying just because it's good, doesn't mean its forever. I think its easy to think that when a relationship is going good and there's no hiccups then it must be because "we are meant to be". But that's just not always the case.
A good relationship is one that doesn't take anything away from you, and gives you more than you could ever ask for. These relationships are hard to find, whether that be in a guy or even just in finding a best friend. But it is so important to have these relationships. They contribute so much to you as a person.
Now when I say that they don't take anything away from you, I mean involuntarily and with detriment to you. What's important to know is that to have a good relationship you must be a good friend and a good partner. But by being a good friend or significant other, you have to be willing to give of your time, energy, compassion... (the list could go on and on), but so does the other person.
In a good relationship it's all about compromise and meeting in the middle, or so I thought... I used to think it had to be 50 / 50. But I heard something a couple years back that really stuck with me and totally just rocked what I thought about relationships. They said that it's not about meeting each other in the middle because it's not a 50 / 50 thing.
A good relationship is about giving 100% to the other person. A good relationship is both people giving 100 / 100.
Now that we know that, it doesn't mean all of sudden that your relationships will be good, but it's a start.
Right now I am in the best relationship of my life. And I'm not talking romantically. My boyfriend who is also my best friend came back into my life about 2 and half year ago. We had known each other from church camp when we were younger and it had been about 4-5 years. We started out as friends.
Before I knew it, we were talking ALL THE TIME. He was my go to. When I was sad, I would vent and cry to him. When I was confused and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, he would listen. It was during that time that I was also contemplating starting college (at 22) and he was the one to push me to apply.
He has ALWAYS been my rock and BIGGEST supporter.
But just as much as he is that for me, he’s also my buffer. He puts me in my place and smooths out my rough edges. And girl, I got a lot of rough edges! He lets me know when I’m wrong, and what I need to be doing better.
And that’s what a good relationship is. It’s that balance of accepting you for who you are and also pushing you to be the best YOU that you can be.
It not all blue skies and sunshine. We actually argue and have times where we don't get along, but that's life. It's going to happen. What matters is what comes from those arguments and rough patches. If all it's doing is building a wall then you two need to have a serious talk, but if out of those times comes growth and understanding than you're good! Live and learn.
So here is the breakdown of a good relationship:
Both giving 100 / 100.
Be each other's BIGGEST supporter.
Be their buffer.
Never stop learning & growing.
To the girls (& guys) who are still looking for your Good Relationship:
Do not give up and Do not settle. He will come. In God's perfect timing you will find the one whom you soul longs for.
I know this wasn't a short post. Believe me when I say it could've been sooo much longer. But God laid it on my heart to share this with you. For years I struggled in relationships and wondered why is this happening to me. But if just one of you reading this is encouraged or finds help than it was all worth it. I love each and every one of you.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. I would love to hear from you guys!